Autumn, a season of becoming

Autumn’s coming and I’m getting all the feels.

A season that always gets me homesick, but in a good way. Fall in the northeast.

The Earth cools
the wind picks up
and you can hear it
as it starts to move
through the trees
and the leaves

change is coming.

There’s more

Nervous energy
like we’re in it
for the long haul.

The Time
to bed down
and do what needs to be done.

The Chance
to be made

new

Winter’s impending grind
looms
contrast
stark.

The trees in my neighborhood turn beautiful reds and yellows. And the smell of sun-bleached grass is replaced by dirt, wood, and smoke, the smell of halloween. Leaves, bigger than my hands, start to cover the sidewalks. Insects quiet their symphony at night to a low simmer.

Riding (my bike) during this time of year has always been, surreal. Almost a movie it’s so good.  The wind feels electric on your face.  I’ll ride with my eyes closed for a few seconds, hoping, of all things lost, that I can save this to memory.

Things that I’m learning:
-how to rest (yes, me learning to rest, better late than never)
-how to be patient (I will be a zen monk after working with 6 year-olds)
-a toolbox for pain (to sit with it, and be a student of it, rather than anesthetize)
-tossing tools that did more damage than good
-an appreciation for life’s misleads

Things that I’m still processing and working through:
-the recovery is slower than predicted
-the transition from an aggressive, toxic, burnout lifestyle to one of stress + rest = growth 
-the undoing of almost a decade’s worth of desexualization endured to become who I thought I wanted to be
-blending in instead of being a novelty in a western, predominantly male, culture
-solidarity replacing crippling imposter syndrome
-agency replacing status

“What if the story you’re desperate to hear is the one you’re meant to live into, and tell?”
-Nicole Meline, Alter Podcast The Mislead – Field Notes from 40

It’s not dark yet. Cheers, to the late bloom.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s